Heard a good one? send it to Local3mc@aol.com
If big breasted women work at Hooters,
where does a one legged woman work?
Think about it!
IHop
where does a one legged woman work?
Think about it!
IHop
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
A man and a woman who'd never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves
accidentally assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. There were no other available
rooms.
Even though they were embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both extremely tired, and
decided it would have to do.
They each both took a bunk, he in the upper and she in the lower, and fell asleep quickly.
At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
It's awfully cold in here."
"I'm cold too, and I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f------ blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
accidentally assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. There were no other available
rooms.
Even though they were embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,they were both extremely tired, and
decided it would have to do.
They each both took a bunk, he in the upper and she in the lower, and fell asleep quickly.
At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
It's awfully cold in here."
"I'm cold too, and I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f------ blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers
made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would
win.
A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's
for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case
of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would
win.
A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's
for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case
of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
 | |  |
JOKE OF THE .......
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He rings the bell and
the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He rings the bell and
the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no
time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all
down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival
knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f*#k away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival
knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f*#k away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."